I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
