I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
