First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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