ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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