do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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