I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
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