the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
