If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I love having hate sex.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
