Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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