when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
