I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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