I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
