yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
