I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
