The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
