Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
