Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
