they said they heard you say put it in my butt
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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