Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
