I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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