he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
