just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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