Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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