I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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