my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
