It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
