we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
