his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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