dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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