it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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