i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
