somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
