all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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