i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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