Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
