I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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