I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
