he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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