Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
