So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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