Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My liver just had a heart attack.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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