I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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