I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
PANTIES FOUND
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