I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
