I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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