just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
