People in love make me want to vomit
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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