i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
