You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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