literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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