i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
