So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
