You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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